Weeks before, I really had a hard time keeping a smile on my face, as I fretfully counted the days before I turned 20. Up until the last day of being a teenager, I was really down and out, trying to amuse myself with everything that wouldn't remind of the dreadful day I turn 20. Luckily, I found solace, as I indulged myself with anything sweet and of course BADMINTON!! Love that sport.
Ok, so 20 is not that old, and maybe I'm over reacting, but its really a big deal for someone like me, a person who sees his teenage years as period of his life wherein he can do anything he wants for no good reason at all, and people can't blame him, because well... ummm... he's a teenager. And for the most part, I have been this teenager. I know it's wrong and I can't really justify my immature mentality, because I'm still well... immature. And now that my teenage years are over, I now for a fact that I must give up this certain mentality I have of what it is to be like a teenager. And that's probably the hardest thing to swallow when you turn 20, your teenage years are over, and certain ideas, beliefs, opinions, and thoughts must go with it. Your immaturity and irrationalities have to go, and certain priorities and responsibilities take their place. But the worst thing I felt was the fact that I was regretting. I regretted the fact that there were still a lot of things I could've, should've or would've accomplished. And there were still a lot of things I wish I did or have experienced while I was still in my teenage years. All these were running through my head, as I waited for that dreadful day.
And yesterday was that dreadful day...
I woke up feeling normal. I still felt like my old-young self. Nothing seemed different. I didn't have any plans whatsoever. Maybe just a simple blow-out with my closest college friends and HS "barkada" afterwards... nothing really special. And so I treated the day as normally as possible, with the exemption of a few greetings and chocolates. *thanks to Jacq and Carla* But trying to accept the fact that I was 20 years old was really something that couldn’t be avoided. It was slowly sinking in. It was something inevitable! I was 20 years old and I should deal with it!
So the day went by... School then yellow cab blah blah blah... I went go on to the specifics, but by the end of the day, I really felt different.
Turning 20 wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be. Yes it was weird, and I wasn't really glad that I just did, but it was altogether something different. I'm not a teenager anymore, and I'm somehow not yet an adult. *ewww... sounds like a Britney song* And that's the weird thing, I don't feel I'm 20 years old, I still feel errrr... ummm... young----er... I guess?
And I hope there's truth in the words of wisdom a classmate of mine shared, "The fun starts here." Its probably the most optimistic thing I've heard and thought-of the whole day. And maybe it will... I hope it will.
posted by michael at 6:44 PM .
Friday, November 12, 2004
I'm turning 20 in a few days, and I don't like... wait, I hate it!!
I NEED PROZAC!!!
Someone help me...
posted by michael at 11:40 PM .
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Things To Do This Sem:
hmmmm....
1. Make up a list of things to do.
2. Think harder!
3. Got it... I must.... wait *it must be something productive!!*
4. Think really really HARD...
5. Go back to number 1!!!
phew!! that was really hard...
posted by michael at 8:15 PM .
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Must Not Sleep!!
I'm really tired.
I just got home from badminton with SD, Jelo, Ness, Pai and MARY!! It was Mary's first time, so Ness and Jelo took turns in teaching her how to play. Good thing she was a fast learner. Afterwards,we ate at McDonald's. They're already serving TWISTER FRIES!! I was in heaven.
Anyway, the reason I'm posting what had happened is because its only 6 in the evening and I'm already feeling sleepy. If I sleep now, I'll wake up at around 12 am and be awake for the rest of the morning, destroying my normal sleeping hours (I already have classes 2mrw) So, I'm trying to do something just to keep my already drowsy eyes open.
I'm currently texting all my SUN friends... wla lang!!
Must not sleep...
posted by michael at 5:47 PM .
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I was watching TV awhile ago... and guess what?? I saw something that really made me smile...
MCDONALD'S TWISTER FRIES.... BACK SOON!!!
I'm sorry if it seemed something important, but TWISTER FRIES are important to me... SHIT LOVE KO TO'!!!
posted by michael at 9:20 PM .
Monday, November 01, 2004
Why Do I Even Bother?
I hate my family right now! Wait, let me rephrase that....
I hate my (older) sister!! *nothing new*
I just wish....
I don't even know what to write *too many things running in my head*
This family is in a downward spiral. And guess what?? I'm getting sucked in with them.
For the longest time, I've been outside this family looking in. I've learned that the best way not to get affected, is not to get involved. And that's what I've been doing. But trying not to get involved is easier said than done. I can't just sit around and do nothing while my others sisters' are on a one way trip to the nearest mental institute. And so I did something I've promised myself not to do, I got involved! And getting involved just made the whole problem worse.
Getting involved in one familial issue this family is full of is probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. With my already fragile mental state and "larger-than-life" problems of my own, getting involved was a burden not needed and will only worsen my already negative outlook for my life. Soon, I realized that much of this so-called issues are intertwined to one another, and getting involved in one means you are involved in everything (kind of a "Buy one, Take all" deal). It was something unexpected and unwanted.
Always being outside looking in, It was not hard for me to have enough perspective to see that these problems will not be solved/overcome if the system my family has for solving these problems doesn't change. My family always takes the easy way out of things. They'd rather not talk about it and deny the problem exist, than be honest and feel vulnerable. They never confront a problem, instead they don't do anything hoping that it will just go away all by itself. Weird system right?? One would think that after a numerous life-altering problems my family has encountered, a significant change would occur. Nope, not this family. They seem to never learn. My family's lack of sensitivity for the mental welfare of its members is the reason why my family is in this downward spiral. I know all this because I am now involved (much to my dismay). And being involved, I am really affected. But all alone, I can't go against the system.
The system, my family has conveniently acquired is such a negative influence to me that it is solely to blame for whatever negative characteristic I have developed. How can someone show his vulnerable side when vulnerability, in his family, is seen a weakness?? How can someone be truly honest with his feelings if all his life he has kept everything he wanted to say to himself??
You know what the bad part is?? Being a Psychology student, I go to school everyday just to be reminded how disorganized and disfunctional my family is. And I can't do anything about it.